It’s Saturday. I don’t have to work and I have nowhere to be. My fiance is at work till the afternoon, so I can do whatever I want in the apartment. I should’ve been able to sleep in this morning, to take the dog on a long walk, to pack some more and fold the laundry he washed, etc.
But, instead, I’m laid up in bed, where, despite my exhaustion, I have been lying awake since 3am. I have a few symptoms of a bad cold and I need to rest. Even though I haven’t gone to a physical school location in years, it’s still that time of year, where everything fluctuates and I’m liable to become sick.
And, although school is over for me, I have been pushing, pushing, pushing myself. No exaggeration, I send out dozens and dozens of job applications every week; I stress about packing and about finding someone to fill this apartment; my sleep schedule is actually a non-schedule . . . and I’m tired. And now, I’m sick. Yay!
Seriously though, I need to let up on myself. I kid you not when I say that I have been combing multiple job boards and refreshing my email hoping for responses to applications every single time I look at a computer, whether that’s my laptop or my phone. I know finding a job is itself a full-time job, and that the pandemic isn’t helping the job search, but man oh man, is the process demoralizing.
I’m demoralized when no new jobs appear in my queries. I’m demoralized when I read the job description and think, “I’d hate to do that.” I’m demoralized when I read the job requirements and don’t fit or haven’t mastered every single one. I’m demoralized when I get an interview and then hear nothing. I’m demoralized when I follow up myself and hear the position was filled. To me, that lack of communication implies I wasn’t worth the literal sixty seconds it takes to type a rejection email or make a phone call to end my uncertainty. (Because let’s be real – even though it’s the age of ghosting on a mass scale, has it ever in human history been easier or more instantaneous to communicate with other people? But that’s a topic for another time.)
But today, today I will rest. I will finish this post and post it, curl up with my dog and a book and a glass of water, and rest and sleep. I will not apply to jobs. I will not check my email obsessively. I will not worry about filling my apartment. Today is for healing; today is for health.
Hope you’re all taking care of yourselves out there. Be safe; be healthy; take care of yourselves.