Awhile ago, I posted that I had never been heavier, and that I was trying to lose weight. Well, I haven’t lost much. But I have been steady, and haven’t gained any either. Recently I was placed on a medication that has a possible side effect of appetite suppression. This is opposite the effect of a different medication that I was taking for three years that grossly amplified my appetite, among other things, and led to all this weight gain. Because of the old medication, I was constantly hungry, and when I was hungry, the hunger was unbearably painful. It led to my eating a full meal every three or four hours. Though I have been off this med for over a year, I still felt its effect – that is, until I began taking this new medication on Monday. I haven’t been hungry, and when I am hungry, it’s manageable. It’s refreshing to not feel obligated to eat so often. The other effects and side effects of the medication are positive, as well, but it’s only been a week or so.
But besides this, I’ve been doing my best to be nice. I’m trying to be nice to my body. I walk my dog longer, triple the distance I would previously. I choose healthier foods when I am hungry or am not but know I need to eat, because nothing tastes that great anyway, so my calories may as well come with nutritional benefits.
Most of all, I’m trying to love. I’m trying to look in the mirror and like what I see. Even though most of the time I’m still picking my body apart piece by piece, I’m doing so in a positive manner, instead of in a negative way. For now, all I can bring myself to do is ignore what I don’t like, and point out to myself the things I do. Occasionally, I’ll like almost the whole picture, and that is the most freeing and happy moment of all.
I’m trying to love my body, of course. She is my temple. I’m trying to love what she can do, and how she looks. I’m increasingly nourishing her and training her. I’m trying to dress her in ways that flatter her assets and disguise her “weaker” features. But I’m also trying to love the woman I am, while I improve her. I’m loving her affectionate nature, her optimism, her kindness, her eagerness to learn. That’s me. I have all of those traits. I am all of those things. I’m trying to reign in a little of her impulsiveness, her insecurities, and her occasional thoughtlessness. I’m trying to teach her to say no, not feel badly about saying no, and not apologize so much. I’m teaching her to be grateful for everything.
It’s a journey, that’s for sure. Some days it’s a battle. But it’s mine, and I think it’s worth it.