When I was growing up, I was always “the skinny one.” I had the supersonic metabolism that meant I could eat anything and stay thin.
I operated within this belief into and through puberty. I noticed weight gain as I my body became that of a woman’s. Since I’d always been told and seen myself as “skinny” in the way a child’s body is skinny, I saw my beautiful new curves as just fat. Fat fat fat fat fat. The self-loathing began.
I wasn’t fat, by the way, not at all. I was still thin, and curvy. Looking back now I see that. I see that my body was beautiful the entire time. Comparing it to the weight I am now, I could laugh until I cry that I thought I was fat, when I was gorgeous and perfect the way I was.
Gaining weight after finishing puberty was crushing. It started after I left my first college and retail job, and began my desk job. After awhile I decided to do something about the way I felt about myself. I began working out most days of the week and eating as well as I could.
Then I broke my foot, which has set me back immensely. I am now working out about three times a week, and eating better, and I’m noticing not only weight loss, but toning and muscle gain.
Maybe I don’t have to be “skinny.” Maybe I can just be healthy and curvy and happy. I’m going to keep working, and hopefully those size 8 pants will fit again soon. But if they don’t and I learn to love my new body on the way, that’s fine too.